Updated September 22, 2007
Parish Humor
Seen on a bubmper sticker . . .
Jesus Loves
you, but I'm his favorite!
You know you're
getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
-- Joan Rivers
Reason for Marriage
The priest sat down
to counsel the old man who wanted to get married.
"Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the priest.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" he asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
-- CatholicJokes.net
Mildred, the church
gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative
of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused
George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup
truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented
to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he
was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for
a moment and then just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing. Later
that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.......and
left it there all night.
Seen on a T-Shirt recently
"What Happens
in Vermont Stays in Vermont"
. . . but nothing
happens in Vermont -- in never does!
A man complained to his doctor that his wife was going deaf. So he suggested a simple home experiment to validate his concern. "Go to the other end of the house and say something to your wife in a normal voice; if she doesn't respond, go a little closer and try again. Keep doing that until she responds, then come back and let me know how she does."
So the man went to the far end of the house and called to his wife, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She didn't respond, so he tried again a little closer, "Honey, what's for dinner? Again, no response. He did this a few more times until he was standing right behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She turned to him with a frustrated look and said, "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
-- Author Unknown
1.
Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? -
God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God

Grandchildren
Grandchildren
are God's reward for not smiting your children.
Lenten prayer
"So far today,
God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper.
Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then
on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."
IF . . .
If you can start
the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things, Then you are probably the family dog.
-- javacasa.com
Focus
on the important things . . . (read the small print)
Middle
age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4.. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own
way
and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
the groceries.
7. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
8.. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
A
guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I
thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a
fake Jeep?"
-- Humor Matters
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set.
Immediately
he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and
in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked
up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And
why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before
Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would
bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the
block in it."
Dear friend,
Your name is on my Christmas card list, and as I wrote your name and address
on the envelope, an odd, puzzling feeling of wonder washed over me, and
I wondered ...who are you?
The Hunter and the Bear
A hunter skipped Mass one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The hunter stumbled backwards and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally he crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the hunter cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly,
the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear
skidded to a halt at the hunter's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its
paws together and said, "Bless us O Lord for these, they gifts, which
we are about to receive. . .."
A
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After
explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without
missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The
Helper
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However,
the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the
first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Patrick
was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Suddenly,
a car pulled out leaving an open parking space.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A fourth grade teacher collected some well known proverbs and gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb. She asked the kids to come up with the rest of the proverb - with some interesting results!...
A
kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each
childs artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, Im drawing God.
The
teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks
like.
Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, They will in a minute."
After
the Baptism of his baby brother in Church, little Johnny sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to say with you guys."
-- Catholicpeople.com
I'd
had a pretty hectic day with my six -year-old. When bedtime finally came,
I laid down the law, "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your
teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her
arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned
in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and
daddies."
Even
after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have
me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered,
"Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
-- -- Mary M.
A
committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.
-- Father Murphy's Law
Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe." (Anoymus)
Too
bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy
driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
A
man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
How to diaper a baby
Spread
the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold
second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put
first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.
Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over
again.
-- Jimmy
Piersal
Ancient Proverb:
Give a man
a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.
From Father Leo's Joke Page
- Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pew.- Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.- Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.- Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.- Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds
One
day Pope John 23rd was asked how many people work at the Vatican?
His
Holiness replied: "Oh, about half."
May
those who love us, love us
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts
And if he can't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limp.
Interpreting Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That
evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of
dreams"
The Superbowl Ticket
A
young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl.
His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the
stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found
an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty
seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed,
the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my
wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we
were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm
sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come
with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all
at the funeral.
The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit.
Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your
rabbi!"
To
which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
The first graders
were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had
a different color hair than the other family members.
One child suggested
that maybe he was adopted. A little girl named Jocelynn said, "I
know all about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does
it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means
that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy." said Jocelynn.
A PRAYER FOR
THE DAY
Dear God, so far today, Ive done all right.
I havent gossiped, and I havent lost my temper.
I havent been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and Im really glad
of that!
But in a few
minutes, God, Im going to get out of bed, and from then on, Im
probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you!
Amen.
Bulletin Blooper:
The music for today's Mass was composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Youth is when you're
allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced
to.
-- Bill Vaughn
Christmas on Late-nite TV
Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. You can't say that stuff
anymore. You can't even say Jesus anymore. You have to say "holiday
infant."
-- Jay Leno
Does it seem like
the Christmas celebration begins earlier and earlier every year? It's
crazy. I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. You know those
beautiful Christmas decorations on Fifth Avenue? Those are for next year.
-- David Letterman
President Bush is
being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't have
the word "Christmas" in them. In response, the president said,
"You try spelling it."
-- Conan O'Brien
The Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
A
confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
-- The Lutheran
The Collar
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parish pre-school
when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.
One little lad of about five stopped and looked at his collar and asked,
Do you have an owie?
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked
like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to
show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of
the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, Do you know
what those words say?
Yes I do, said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said, Kills ticks and fleas for up to
six months!
-- Campus Ministry, Lyan College, Batesville, AK
Man: God, how much
is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
Man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
Man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
-- University of Warwick Christian Union
If someone had told
me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder"
-- Pope John Paul II
Hearing nuns' confessions
is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
-- Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
Only presidents,
editors and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial
"we"
-- Mark Twain
One Sunday morning,
the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that
hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and
small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque
for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said
quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young
man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex
asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young
men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which
service, the 8:30 or the 10:00?"
"I was thinking
about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam."
-- George Carlin
Three Engineers
There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car engine shuts off, leaving the three engineers stranded by the side of the road. All three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work."
The
pastor will be away for three weeks. The priests filling in during his
absence will be found pinned to the church bulletin board.
-- Author Unknown
A man on his death bed made his wife promise she would put all of
his money in the casket with him - he was convinced he could 'take it
with him'.
After
his funeral, a friend asked his wife, "Did you really put all of
his money in the casket?". "I sure did", she replied. "I
wrote a check for the entire amount and placed it in his shirt pocket."
-- Father Leo
Did you know that light travels faster than sound? That's why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
-- Warren Wolfe
Famous Unknown Quotes on Aging:
Bulletin Blooper:
Anyone not
claiming lost articles will be disposed of.
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his
own thoughts.
Finally, one said, "What do you think about all this devil business
we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
-- Author Unknown
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear,"she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The
big sissy."
-- Anonymous
On Lauguage --
Children were lined
up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the
table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “take only one,
God is watching”. Moving through the line, to the other end of the table,
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, “take
all you want, God is watching the apples”.
-- Anon
The day after tomorrow
is the third day of the rest of your life.
--George Carlin
Some famous quotes:
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.Signs on a Church Marquee --
--From the mind of Stephen Wright
Father explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said, 'Tah-dah!'"
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Saint
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