Seen on a bubmper sticker . . .

Jesus Loves you, but I'm his favorite!

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
-- Joan Rivers

Reason for Marriage

The priest sat down to counsel the old man who wanted to get married.
"Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the priest.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" he asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
-- CatholicJokes.net

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
    George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.......and left it there all night.

Seen on a T-Shirt recently

"What Happens in Vermont Stays in Vermont"
. . . but nothing happens in Vermont -- in never does!

A man complained to his doctor that his wife was going deaf. So he suggested a simple home experiment to validate his concern. "Go to the other end of the house and say something to your wife in a normal voice; if she doesn't respond, go a little closer and try again. Keep doing that until she responds, then come back and let me know how she does."

So the man went to the far end of the house and called to his wife, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She didn't respond, so he tried again a little closer, "Honey, what's for dinner? Again, no response. He did this a few more times until he was standing right behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She turned to him with a frustrated look and said, "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

-- Author Unknown

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign that included 17 different messages from God. It's worth retelling . . .

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God

Grandchildren
Grandchildren are God's reward for not smiting your children.

Lenten prayer
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."

IF . . .

If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things, Then you are probably the family dog.

-- javacasa.com

Focus on the important things . . . (read the small print)

Middle age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4.. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own

way and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
8.. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
-- Humor Matters

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set.

Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Dear friend,
Your name is on my Christmas card list, and as I wrote your name and address on the envelope, an odd, puzzling feeling of wonder washed over me, and I wondered ...who are you?

The Hunter and the Bear

A hunter skipped Mass one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The hunter stumbled backwards and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally he crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the hunter cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the hunter's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "Bless us O Lord for these, they gifts, which we are about to receive. . .."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
---Ben Bergor

The Helper
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

-- CatholicJokes.net

Patrick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Suddenly, a car pulled out leaving an open parking space.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

A fourth grade teacher collected some well known proverbs and gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb. She asked the kids to come up with the rest of the proverb - with some interesting results!...

• Better be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
  
• Strike while the .... bug is close.
  
• It's always darkest before .... daylight savings time.
  
• An idle mind is .... the best way to relax.
  
• You can lead a horse to water but .... how?
  
• Don't bite the hand that .... looks dirty.
  
• You can't teach an old dog new .... math.
  
• Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.
  
  

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks
like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, “They will in a minute."

After the Baptism of his baby brother in Church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to say with you guys."
-- Catholicpeople.com

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my six -year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law, "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
-- -- Mary M.

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.
-- Father Murphy's Law

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe." (Anoymus)

Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

How to diaper a baby

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.
-- Jimmy Piersal

Ancient Proverb:
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

From Father Leo's Joke Page

One day Pope John 23rd was asked how many people work at the Vatican?
His Holiness replied: "Oh, about half."

An Irish Lament

May those who love us, love us
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts
And if he can't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limp.

Interpreting Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

The Superbowl Ticket

    A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
    He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No."  Amazed, the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
     The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
    "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
    "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral.

The confession

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

The first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members.
One child suggested that maybe he was adopted. A little girl named Jocelynn said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy." said Jocelynn.

A PRAYER FOR THE DAY
Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper.
I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

Bulletin Blooper:
The music for today's Mass was composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
-- Bill Vaughn

Christmas on Late-nite TV

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. You can't say that stuff anymore. You can't even say Jesus anymore. You have to say "holiday infant."
-- Jay Leno

Does it seem like the Christmas celebration begins earlier and earlier every year? It's crazy. I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. You know those beautiful Christmas decorations on Fifth Avenue? Those are for next year.
-- David Letterman

President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't have the word "Christmas" in them. In response, the president said, "You try spelling it."
-- Conan O'Brien

The Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
-- The Lutheran

- If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

The Collar
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parish pre-school when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about five stopped and looked at his collar and asked, “Do you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months!”
-- Campus Ministry, Lyan College, Batesville, AK

Man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
Man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
Man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
-- University of Warwick Christian Union

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder"
-- Pope John Paul II

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
-- Bishop Fulton J. Sheen

Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we"
-- Mark Twain

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
    The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
    "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
    "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
    "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
    Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:00?"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam."
-- George Carlin

Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car engine shuts off, leaving the three engineers stranded by the side of the road. All three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work."

The pastor will be away for three weeks. The priests filling in during his absence will be found pinned to the church bulletin board.
-- Author Unknown

 A man on his death bed made his wife promise she would put all of his money in the casket with him - he was convinced he could 'take it with him'.
    After his funeral, a friend asked his wife, "Did you really put all of his money in the casket?". "I sure did", she replied. "I wrote a check for the entire amount and placed it in his shirt pocket."
-- Father Leo

Did you know that light travels faster than sound? That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-- Warren Wolfe

Famous Unknown Quotes on Aging:

• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- As you grow older, it will avoid you
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  
• The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good -- spit it out.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
  
  

Bulletin Blooper:
Anyone not claiming lost articles will be disposed of.

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.
Finally, one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
-- Author Unknown

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear,"she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
-- Anonymous

On Lauguage --

• In what language do people recite at a play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
  
  
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
  
  
• You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
  
  

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “take only one, God is watching”. Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, “take all you want, God is watching the apples”.
-- Anon

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
--George Carlin

Some famous quotes:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr

Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.
-- Donald J. Morgan

Signs on a Church Marquee --

• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
• Soul food served here.
• Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
• Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?
• Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
• What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?
• A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
• Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
• God answers kneemail.
• Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
  
  

--From the mind of Stephen Wright

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  something.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Masses are at 8:30 and 10:00. Come early if you want a back seat.

Father was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"

Father explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said, 'Tah-dah!'"

Mr. Bradford has accepted the position of head sacristan. We could not get a better man.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.